she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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