when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Randomize
