He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
