Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
the day after is always just damage control
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Randomize
