i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Randomize
