I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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