I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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