She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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