Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Randomize
