I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
tonight lets celebrate not being married
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
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