At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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