If i could tip my vagina, i would.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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