actually, I'm a sock model
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
