Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize
