I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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