I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
