he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
