my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Randomize
