Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
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