how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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