you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I'm sobbing to NWA
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
