Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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