Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
