my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
We have so much sex to catch up on
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
