i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
