Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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