I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
and you fell through a lawn chair
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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