I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
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