Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
