So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
