you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
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