So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
