Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Randomize
