Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
