You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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