Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
