She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
