I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
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