I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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