Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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