Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
