he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
