it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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