I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
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