Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
