Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
