haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
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