Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
