i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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