Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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