What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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